never play flip cup with pint glasses
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it's like iHOP with fire
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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