I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
