Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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