dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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