my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
