Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
