I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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