Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
