I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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