i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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