Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
