No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
