Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
