If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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