I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
