i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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