everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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