I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
