I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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