The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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