u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
