my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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