You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
