I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
