my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
