happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
