people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize