my phone needs a breathalizer
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just invented taco cereal.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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