I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
