whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
