I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
