dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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