i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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