so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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