Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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