you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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