I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
