Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
