I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
