I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
