The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
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After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
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I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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