you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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