Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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