Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
