On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
