I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
