that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You can't just leave with hair like that
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
