my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
