found the other keg... it's in the tree
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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