His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
