Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
