This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
