I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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