The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
