Barsexuality is the new black.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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