I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
