when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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