Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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