question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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