I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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