Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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