i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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