now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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